


he just comes to visit me when i’m dreaming every now and then

by youandmeinlove



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Eddie is gone but he never leaves, Ghost Eddie visits Richie in his dreams, Grief/Mourning, I Don't Even Know, I made myself cry so I must've finally written true Angst, If You Squint - Freeform, M/M, Post-Movie, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie can't move on, There's KIND OF a happy ending, this hurt to write tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 19:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20747174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youandmeinlove/pseuds/youandmeinlove
Summary: Angsty take on what happens to Richie after Eddie's death. He can't move on and Ghost Eddie tries to convince him there is a future without him.Title is a lyric from Ariana Grande's beautiful song "ghostin" (2019), which this fic is vaguely based on. (The ending is also kinda based on a head canon I saw on Tumblr.)





	he just comes to visit me when i’m dreaming every now and then

In the five years since he left Derry for good, Richie Tozier supposes his life hasn’t changed a great deal. He still does comedy shows, though he writes most of his material himself nowadays. He still drinks a lot, maybe even more than before. He still sleeps around recklessly with almost anyone who will take him. 

But lately his heart isn’t in it. 

Back when he didn’t remember his childhood, he could just fuck without thinking about it. He fucked a LOT over the years. Male, female, anyone in between. He didn’t care. He didn’t feel anything for any of them anyway. He didn’t believe in any of that mushy sex=feelings crap. He rejected so many people over the years, who wanted more than just a quickie in his tour van. It was nothing personal, as far as he knew he’d never felt that way about anybody. 

Until that phone call from Mike, the one where as soon as he mentioned Derry, one face and one face only flashed up in his mind. 

Eddie. HIS Eddie. How could he ever have forgotten about him. His first love. The guy he’d shared his first kiss with, the guy he’d lost his virginity to at the ripe old age of 18, just before he’d moved away. 

Going back to his childhood home scared him, but facing feelings for someone he’d forgotten ever existed? Now that was terrifying. 

But when he’d seen his face in that damned Chinese restaurant, his same smile that lit up any room, that glint in his eye. The way he got so wound up by everything Richie said. It was just like old times, only now Richie knew for sure that he loved him. Like head over heels fucking cliché love, the type of love people in boring ass cheesy rom-coms feel. Only more. It was truly sickening to Richie, to feel this intensely about someone, but he trusted Eddie with every ounce of his being. 

Eddie was his best friend. Eddie was always his best friend above anything else, which made it easy to open up to him. The first time IT had made an appearance, he’d realised for sure how he felt about his little hypochondriac. They fought and they bickered and they said they couldn’t stand each other but the love they shared was real. It always was. It always would be. 

Eddie had made the first move back in junior year of high school. They’d been studying in Eddie’s room when suddenly out of nowhere Eddie had lunged at Richie, knocking his glasses onto the floor and pushing him flat on his back, kissing the absolute shit out of him. 

Richie had asked why he’d done that and in typical Eddie Kaspbrak matter of fact fashion, he’d simply shrugged and said, 

“Because I knew you wouldn’t.”

Then had leaned in again, forever silencing every doubt Richie had about the nature of their relationship. 

It was different the second time around, when they returned to Derry. Eddie was married, but the first night they were there he made it clear that his wife meant nothing to him. They’d reunited for real in Richie’s motel room later that night. Held each other all night whispering words of affection, teasing one another relentlessly and sharing pleasure beyond anything Richie had ever experienced. Richie couldn’t comprehend how he’d gone so long without this. 

Eddie made him feel amazing, like he could conquer anything if he put his mind to it. They kissed and kissed and kissed that week, as much as they possibly could when they thought the other Losers weren’t watching (Beverly saw everything but never said anything). 

Richie even told Eddie he loved him, just before they did the ritual. He’d said it so fast that he was certain Eddie hadn’t heard him, but Eddie had kissed him quickly and told him they would talk about it. They would talk about their future together after they’d killed that fucking clown. 

But there was no future. Not for Eddie. 

He lies side by side with his latest conquest. A guy called… Chuck? Charlie? Chris? Clark? Something with a C. He’s attractive, well mannered, good in the sack, nice enough. 

But he’s not Eddie. He’ll never have Eddie again. He’ll never have that back and forth banter, the play fighting, the soft gazes when no one else is looking, the linking of fingers underneath the blankets at movie night. Never again.

He suppresses a sob. His grief hasn’t been easy to hide. He’s been in mourning for five fucking years and no matter what his therapist says, no matter how hard he tries to forget, he just can’t. 

The Losers are there for him. Of course they are. They always have been. Beverly and Ben call him at least once a month. Bev acts like his fucking mother or something, always making sure he’s eating, getting outside, sleeping. He acts like she pisses him off but he’d never tell her but he doesn’t mind. He needs it if he’s being honest. When Eddie left the world so did any fucks Richie gave about his own health and wellbeing. As far as he was concerned the more he fucked up his own body the closer he got to joining Eddie wherever he was. Bev, when he told her this had marched herself to LA and insisted on staying with Richie for a few weeks. She’d listened as he cried it out. And he had, over and over and over. He was a fucking mess after all but Beverly being the fucking angel she was, just let him get it all out. 

She always invites Richie to stay with her and Ben and their two perfect kids and he’s sure he’d take her up on that if it weren’t so painful to see Ben and Bev so happy together. They’d found their soulmate and they would spend the rest of their lives together. 

And Richie? He would never find that with anyone else. Ever. 

The only solace he has is when he sleeps. As soon as he enters his REM cycle, Eddie is always there. 

He’s always standing alone surrounded by light, facing away from Richie. Richie will call his name and he’ll turn, his perfect smile plastered on his perfect face. They’ll run to each other and hold one another closely kissing and petting and crying. ‘

Eddie will tell him he loves him, that he always has and always will and Richie will say it back, meaning it with every fragment of his being. 

Sometimes they just sit in silence basking in each other’s presence. 

Other times the dreams turn erotic and Richie wakes up panting, having to change his sheets. 

Sometimes, the worst times, he dreams about IT and how he lost Eddie. He dreams of the blood, the tears, all that was left unsaid between them. He dreams of the pain of realising that the love of his life has been torn away from him forever.

One night, when Dream Eddie turns, he seems distracted. Which, Richie puzzles, is incredibly odd. Eddie is a fragment of his imagination at this point, conjured only by his crippling depression and grief to comfort and torture him every single night. 

“Richie,” He sighs, when Richie takes him into his arms.

“Mmm?” Richie replies, his head pressed in the crook of his neck, breathing him in. This feels so real, his smell, his warmth, his heartbeat. God he never wants to wake up.

“Richie,” Eddie repeats. “You have to let me go.”

Richie pulls back abruptly. His face pale with shock. What does he mean?

“What? How could I ever-” He gulps back a sob. 

“You have to let me go.” Eddie repeats, his eye closed as if it pains him to say it.

Richie presses his forehead to Eddie’s, closing his own eyes tightly, taking in the sensation of Eddie’s arms around him. 

“I can’t.” He finally chokes. “I can’t, you were the only good thing I ever… I can’t forget you. I can never “ 

“I don’t mean to forget me, baby. But you have to forgive yourself for what happened, Rich. You’re torturing yourself. You’re not moving forward with your life and I’m holding you back.” Eddie sobs then, holding Richie as close as he can get him. 

“You could be happy,” Eddie continues, still sniffling into Richie’s shoulder. “You could get married, have some baby trashmouths, a Pomeranian, whatever. You could be happy and in love again, you deserve that.”

Richie breaks then, falling to his knees the pain unbelievable. Eddie falls with him, arms still holding him tight to him.

“I can’t.” He chokes. “Eddie you were the love of my life. There’s… there’s never been anyone like you. No one can ever replace you. I can’t ever love anyone the way I love you.”

Eddie pulls back and cups Richie’s face, forcing him to look in his eyes. His beautiful eyes that always drove Richie fucking nuts.

“Nothing can replace what we had. But maybe… just maybe, you can find a love that’s enough.”

Richie shakes his head in disbelief and Eddie presses his lips to him lightly before continuing. 

“Richie, I wish I could stay. I wish I had more time, but I’ve gotta go.”

Richie holds Eddie as tight as he possibly can.

“Please don’t leave me.” He begs, sounding very small.

Eddie kisses him again, once, twice. Then moves into his neck kissing there tenderly.

“I’ll never leave you. There’s nowhere you go where I won’t be with you. But you need to move on. I can’t see you every night if that’s ever going to happen.”

Eddie pulls out of Richie’s grip and stands. 

“I love you. I will always love you.” He breathes, before turning to leave.

…

Richie feels a sudden jolt and is suddenly on his crummy futon in the tour bus. The guy (Chad? Chuck? Chris?) is leaning over him, shaking him, gently.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” He murmurs timidly. “You were screaming in your sleep.”

“Oh.” 

Richie sits up and rubs his eyes. It was a dream. Of course it was a dream. But something about that one felt real. 

The next few months, Eddie isn’t in his dreams. Sometimes he thinks he catches a glimpse of him, in the corner of his eye. But by the time he turns there’s no one there.

…

He gets married three years later.

His husband, Jerry is a great man. A comedian just like Richie. He’s handsome, witty and kind and he is just as cynical as Richie is. He isn’t a touchy feely man and mostly keeps to himself, which suits Richie. 

Jerry isn’t a kid person and Richie has no problem with this. There was only one person he’d ever considered having babies with. So they adopt some Spaniels, a rugged mutt and a Pomeranian. 

He’s pretty happy.

He’s as happy as he can be.

Most days he just gets on with life. Lives the day to day with no problem at all.

He has a therapist, a great one called Rhonda. 

She’s harsh and blunt challenging Richie and making him fucking hate her sometimes, but she always hits the fucking nail on the head.

On his good days he’ll walk the dogs on the beach, have BBQ’s with Bev and Ben and the rest of the losers.

Some days the grief hits him over again and he finds himself sobbing silently into his pillow, muffling his cries so that Jerry can’t hear him.

He’s sure he does hear him, Jerry knows about Eddie but he knows just what Richie needs. He’s always so understanding, gives Richie the space he needs. He never asks what’s wrong, never tries to hold him or tell him it’s going to be ok. He knows that won't help. 

He would never admit it to Richie but Richie knows that Jerry knows who he really wants in those vulnerable moments. He knows who Richie’s heart truly belongs to and always will. 

It must hurt him, and Richie hates himself for that sometimes. But he can’t help it.

There’s never been anyone else.

And one day when he’s old, he knows that as he slips away from life there will only be one person leading him into the light.

And he knows they will finally be at peace together. Because there has only ever been him in Richie’s eyes. 

Eddie.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for the pain. And also this is rushed as hell, so whoops. Much love x


End file.
